dorothyofoz's Blog

No, I haven't left EP - I don't think I could ever do that!  This place has gotten me through some of the darkest days of my life, and I whole-heartedly believe that I have grown as a person not only from my counseling and my relationship with God, but also because of the friendships and support and encouragement and sometimes doses of harsh reality that I have gotten on this site!

So, first of all - THANK YOU to my circle!!

So, what is up with me?  Lots yet still baby-steps but over time and looking back, I can see some BIG baby steps toward a better life for me and for my family!

First of all, this amazing man that I met on this site, well, an aquaintance turned to friendship, turned to flirtation turned to interest has blossomed into something that has come to mean so much to me.  I didn't want a relationship - not yet - I wasn't looking for someone - not yet, but it happened! And as much as I denied it and fought it at the beginning, it became exactly what it was inevitably supposed to be, I guess.  For now, almost 9 months later, here I am, sitting in his house while he is at therapy, happy to just be here - anxious for him to come home - and, darn it, so in love with this man that sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst.

I don't know where the relationship will end up but, this is teaching me to be happy in the moment, to be more secure about a relationship without needing constant reassurance, to be patient with what might be or not be and to become a better communicator of my feelings and thoughts (a constant work in progress!).  I never never imagined that Cj would become so important to me and that I would find someone that appears to be so different from me yet seems to have such a complementary personality to mine!  Life is amazing isn't it?

So, onto other things...

I still struggle with finding a job that will enable my husband and I to make our divorce legal and permanent instead of just the emotional divorce that it is now.  BUT, big BUT, for a long time, I didn't think that I wanted to return to teaching as a career.  I just saw how students had changed; I HATE the impact of the No Child Left Behind Act on teaching and the classroom and the students, especially.  I just thought it would be unrewarding and overwhelming especially considering the emotional toll the divorce has taken on me and my children, and then dealing with students all day then coming home to MY kids, etc.... ugh! 

Well, over the summer, I FINALLY decided I wanted my life to move forward at a faster (than a slug!) pace, so I decided to call the state Department of Education to see what I had to do to get my license renewed.  I THOUGHT it was going to be overwhelming, but it wasn't.  It really wasn't that much.  Then I found out, it wasn't going to be too crazy much work to add a Math Certification to my license either SO, I started looking for any openings in my area. This was August, so I didn't hold a lot of hope, BUT there it was - a job teaching Algebra to 8th graders in a low-income area!  EXACTLY what I have a passion for - the subject area, the age and the type of student!  I applied for the job, and then one day, out of character for me, called the school listing the job just to inform them of my interest.  Well, to my astonishment, they wanted to interview me RIGHT then.

Long story short, I was offered the job the Friday before school started!  I jumped in with both feet! It was overwhelming and exhausting and exhilirating!  I quickly became very attached to these kids - heck, I came to love many of them!  Well, becausde of that damnable No Child Left Behind Act and the fact that this school struggles with their scores on the state testing, the county told the school that I couldn't keep the job - that because I wasn't certified to teach yet, they had to hire someone else.  They rushed it too - pushing someone from another state to move very quickly and to step into the job asap (even though she admitted to me that she didn't want to start right away).  The county didn't want to wait for me to take the Praxis II Math Content exam - the only thing that stood in the way of me being certified in math.  I am taking the test on November 12!  They said that wasn't fast enough, and they didn't want to take the chance that I might not pass.

So, long story even shorter, I am AGAIN unemployed.  The blessing though - the school loved me and wants to hire me next year AND I got a chance to realize that I do want to go back into teaching which is a really great fit for now and my life - a career that pays decently enough and allows me to be home with my children during holidays and summer!

My soon-to-be-ex is still living in the house, but we are managing MOST of the time.  We go to counseling to remain amicable and work out any co-parenting issues, plus I get an almost daily reminder of why we are NOT meant to be together and that getting a divorce is the RIGHT decision for us and for our children - truly!  We have (or I should say, I have) consulted an attorney, and if we can remain amicable and agree on everything without him mediating, etc... we can have a divorce fairly inexpensively and quickly because we can count all of this time in the same house NOT living as husband and wife as our period of separation.  So that is good news!

Also, he went on my families' vacation, which I was dreading, but that turned out to be a blessing too.  As many of you know, my parents were being "not very supportive" in all of this plus my brother wasn't being too agreeable either. Well, the vacation changed all that. They got to see first hand how my stbx acts and although it turned out to be a suprisingly pleasant vacation, it wasn't due to him and they knew it. Since then, they have become much more understanding and supportive. It has been a relief!  I was still going to get a divorce, regardless of their feelings, BUT it has been nice to not have their "dissapproval" weighing on me.

I guess that gets everyone up-to-date, for the most part.  I will continue to be on here rarely for now because this exam is going to kick my butt if I don't study A LOT for the next 2 1/2 weeks but after that, well, as God has shown me, WHO KNOWS?!

I miss my friends on here so much and think of you all often!  Please don't lose hope in hearing from me - you all are in my heart forever!!

And today is one of them!

I know all of the right things to think and feel and what I should and shouldn't do, but some days, it just gets to be too much!

Granted, I brought this on myself - almost all of it, but especially my "mood" right now because I allowed myself to oversleep this morning.  We were going "back" to church this morning for the first time in a long time; just me and my girls.  No, my soon-to-be-ex-husband that is still living here in the guestroom (sometimes like a recluse or a squatter) is not going with us.  It is time to start living like a single-parent, and my relationship with God has always been very important to me.  When our marriage started going in the gutter (in relation to being in the toilet almost the entire marriage where I turned to God and church and pastors and seminars and prayer and books and conferences), I got angry with God.  Logically, I KNEW He loved me and that He has a greater plan for my life; but logic didn't really have a place in my life when I felt like all I had ever wanted was to be married and have a family the loved and LIKED each other - I just wanted a partner/companion/friend, and what I got was a man that just does NOT even like me.  Anyway, I'm not blogging about that right now - I have talked that to death.

Anyway, back to this morning!  Yesterday, I was exhausted - I don't sleep well ever anymore except those blissful weekends away from this place and with someone that I believe likes me (and seems to even love me); so with my children gone with their grandmother, I laid down for a nap.  Well, I slept way too long!  So, I attempted to still go to bed early with the girls' clothes ready for church and the alarm set BUT I couldn't sleep!  So, finally at 3:30am, I fell asleep.  The alarm goes off and the snooze button was hit WAY too many times by moi'!  We still might have made it on time but each child had their own set of "issues" that only a mom can help solve.  THEN came the search for the youngest to have a non-children's Bible.  Between that which didn't in and of itself make us late and then me oversleeping THEN my oldest continuing her constant comparison with our perfect on-time neighbors (she "hates" our family and wants us to be like the XXXXXX'S which even if my husband and I were staying together would NEVER be the case, but to her, they are perfect), I lost it.

More appropriately, I felt like a loser!  I just do!  There are moments here and there that I feel like I see a light at the end of this endless tunnel - a job prospect looks promising, the kids seem happy, I have a nice conversation with my mom and dad that encourages me instead of tearing me down or I get to be with my sweet man but then the job is already filled, the kids start comparing us to the neighbors or they have a meltdown, the house is filled with dust bunnies; my dad has a "talk" with me about getting along and devastating the girls with our divorce and I get upset with the sweetest, most patient and understanding man because he seems anxious to get back home at the end of our time together and I am insecure and impatient, and I think:

"Will I EVER get it together?  Will I ever feel secure about who I am and what I am doing?  Will I ever be the mom that I am supposed to be?"

This morning is one of those times that I sit here instead of church because we didn't want to go late and try to decide as the girls give me their disappointed looks whether I even want to "bother" painting on a fake smile and going to church where there are times that I feel so convicted and guilty of not living the life I should be living that I feel sick to my stomach and like I can't even breathe!

I know my attitude is counter-productive and illogical and irrational and full of self-pity but it is the truth and reality of how I feel at this moment and if I can't get it out here, I have to wait until Wednesday when I go to counseling to "vent" it on my PAID listener!  LOL!!

Sorry for being gone so long and then coming back with THIS, but I had to get it out somewhere, and I miss EP anyway - this volunteer job that I have had has taken over my life and taken me from one of my most important coping mechanisms... something has to give!

Last night was my older child's band concert which was a lot of fun... not just to see how they have progressed (which wasn't too bad!) but also just to watch my child in the middle school environment and how the kids interact.  I used to teach middle school, and I have a particular soft place in my heart for this awkward not a baby but not a true teenager age group.

So, we are in the car on the way home, and she shares that her friend's "boyfriend" had broken up with her, but had told her that he was going to sleep on it and maybe reconsider.  I couldn't help myself; I had to say it, "Well, if he comes back to her and says, I have reconsidered, if I were her, I would say 'well, I have reconsidered too, and I think us breaking up is a great idea.'"  My daughter said that her friend would probably take him back because she really liked him.

Well, from there, a discussion ensued about how we women tend to "allow" ourselves to be treated as an "option" - someone that a guy can just haphazardly leave and come back to with pretty good certainty that we will be "there" waiting for whatever left-overs he chooses to give us.  I didn't say that to my daughter, she actually asked me this question, "why do girls do that?  why do we wait around for whatever the guy wants to do? why do we seem to like them more than they like us and we let them do that?" I thought that was pretty insightful for a young middle schooler - one that THANKFULLY is still not that interested in boys and dating, etc...!!

Now, some of my dear male friends on here will see this as a bitter rant, and maybe it is - EP is my place to vent my emotions - some of which are only temporary reactions to events, etc... in my life and some of which are pervasive naggings in my over-thinking.  I just have seen this so much... in my life and in the lives of my women and girlfriends.  We "allow" ourselves to become 2nd, 3rd, 4th, last choice/option to the men in our lives.  AND when we have the "nerve" to request or demand better treatment - to actually be treated like we are a priority in our man's life, we are "bitchin'" or "needy" or "nagging" or over-demanding.  You name a negative connotation and it would be associated with this "completely unrealistic and outlandish expectation" on our parts to actually be treated like we are important to the man that continues to proclaim deep feelings for us all while he is "acting" like we are sometimes the very last thing on his mind.

Why do we do this (and to be fair there are men that do this too, I know, that get treated as an "option" instead of a priority in their woman's life and simply endure it waiting for whatever scraps she is willing to eventually throw his way)?!  Why do we find ourselves sitting around and waiting for that text message, that phone call, that request for a date, etc...?  Why are we the ones that will endure this behavior and still stick around like a little dog with her tongue hanging out waiting to see if someone will someday give her the "treat" or the affection that she is practically "begging" for?!  And if we aren't appearing to be doing this, most times it is because we are making ourselves not "be there waiting" or we are forcing ourselves to not be so "available" - it isn't natural for us to put our significant other on the back burner or to put them in second place - even when there are times that they should be (i.e. a job assignment or obligation that is not getting the attention and time it deserves because we can't focus on it due to the analyzing of every single action and inaction of our s.o.).

Now, to be fair, many times, men just don't "think" like we women do - we associate our man's time and attention or lack thereof with their feelings and intensity of emotions towards us.  I have been reading quite a bit, due to my background and interest in psychology - especially the psychology of relationships, about this, and the other day, I came upon an article that had a different take on some of the things associated with this conundrum.  It was entitled:

"Does He Love Me? I Want To Know. (And Here's How to Tell.): Some of the behaviors we see as "signs" of love really aren't." (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201012/does-he-love-me-i-want-know-and-heres-how-tell)

That was a bit of an eye-opener and it did force me to re-think some of my past "issues" with s.o.'s.  

I fear this blog unlike many of my others will offend some people or come across as stereotyping (and I probably am), it is just my conversation with my daughter last night and her observation along with some of my personal experiences brought this frustration back to the forefront for me, and where do I turn when I want to give a voice (or words) to my frustrations?  EP, of course!

Sometimes I wish I weren't like what I talked about in this blog entry, but for the most part, I can't see that part of me changing - the part that puts whoever I care about at the top of my priority list, and I don't know that I would change it if I could.  I don't really see it as a character flaw or a detriment IF I don't let my attention and time get out of balance and that I don't allow it to get in the way of other priorities that need my attention also.

Ok, now, I am bracing myself for possible fall-out from this post... (try to be gentle friends - LOL!) My mood: pretty overwhelmed

This has been a rough week, and I haven’t been able to quite grasp why…
 
At first, I thought it was a distance I was perceiving from my someone special.  We had just spent the weekend together, and it was great, just like the other weekends had been.  The more I get to know him, the more I like him and care for him and about him.  Getting to know him in “real life” has just confirmed what I already knew – what I have known since I read his story almost 2 years ago.  He is an amazing, strong, focused and patient man with drive and determination.  He also has a very positive, life-is-a-gift attitude that is something I could use more of – remembering that EVERY day is a gift – to not waste it looking to the next day and the next – to be IN the moment – right there!  After a long, wonderful but very tiring weekend of travel, etc… I got myself all worked up thinking he was pulling away instead of just “recovering” (LOL!) – why did I let myself go there AGAIN?  How can I be so insecure about myself and his feelings for me when I have no reason except a little less contact for a day or two?  Why do I let myself be “hi-jacked” by my emotions so much that I am not even looking at anything in a rational or real way?
 
So, as this “accident waiting to happen” progressed through the week culminating in many tears and some outbursts I am not too proud of, etc… I examined all sorts of things about myself and about my feelings for this person and my participation in relationships period.  I did a lot of self-analysis, and yes, okay I am admitting it, a lot of OVER-analyzing!  (Those that know me well, know this is a big problem for me!)
 
I have come to realize that this week might have had NOTHING to do with anything related to my new “more-than-friendship” status or with the special someone.  We have done a lot of talking through “our” issues, and today, I don’t feel any different (except that a weight has been lifted where I was really beating myself up over my ridiculous reaction to things and my fear that my reaction would “scare” him off).  I am just so blue and low….
 
What the hell is going on with me?  I haven’t been in one of these moods in a very long time.  It isn’t a “pms” type mood – it is more a trip down the well (if any of you have read John Gray’s “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” books you may have an idea of what I am talking about here).  I remember reading that women every once in awhile need to go down in their “wells” in order to kind of purge through emotions, etc… and we need to allow ourselves that “trip” but I don’t like it – not one little bit.  I want to analyze it (I know, I’m something with this self-analysis stuff – maybe going back to school to be a Licensed Professional Counselor might not be such a great idea – to learn how to analyze myself and others even more thoroughly – eek!).
 
So, what is going on with me?  Well, I am starting to think it is a combination of things that are in and of themselves, separately, not that stressful – definitely easily handled or worked through, but together and over time (which most of these things are pervasive and on-going for quite some time), they are like the black cloud that hangs over Eeyore’s head or maybe more like the black clouds associated with a HUGE BAND of THUNDERSTORMS… LOL!

 
So, here it goes, some possible things that might be clogging up my happy ?????:
 

1. 
   Although my husband (or whatever you want to call him) is still living in our house with me and the children, we are separated YET he is still living in the house with all of us – it’s like nothing has changed and EVERYTHING has changed!


2. 
   It sometimes is MORE lonely living with someone that isn’t really your friend and doesn’t spend time with you or even want to spend time with you than it is actually living alone.


3. 
   My “whatever” spouse seems relieved to have the marriage end (and though I am too, it is hard sometimes to feel this complete and utter rejection from someone that claimed to love you and begged for you to stay but never followed up with any sincere effort to change anything).


4. 
   I have to find a full-time job – one that pays well enough that he can move out, and we can keep the house.  I haven’t worked in over 12 years – 12 years is a long time.  I allowed my teaching certificate to lapse awhile ago (and I didn’t really want to teach Social Studies anymore anyway, I really have a gift for teaching math to the “math-haters” in the world!).  I have a lot of ideas of what I might like to do but no true direction or know how to go about finding jobs that fit with what I like to do and what I am good at doing.  I think there are a lot of things I can do, but I don’t have any  expertise that fits into a specific field or job title.  To be able to find a job in this economy is going to be hard and to be able to convince someone to take a chance on me may be damn near impossible.  Yes, I know I sound like a bit of a coward – it is scary with it being SO LONG since I had to really think about these things.


5. 
   Going back to work – whew!  I don’t even know if I can work at a full-time job and raise children WITH a spouse let alone on my own – it scares me more than anything that I am not only going to break up my children’s family but also become a complete and total mess at working and being a mom.  It will be a big change for all of us – just me going back to work – they have NEVER known me to work, and I do a lot for them and with them – things that they take for granted (as children should be able to do to a point) and now they are going to be difficult if not impossible for me to do along with all of the things I HAVE to do!


6. 
   The reality of my situation further sinking in - I'm getting a divorce - omg, I'm getting a divorce!  I am going to have to, sometime soon, tell my children that their father and I can't get along well enough to keep their family together - I am going to pretty much intentionally hurt them - what kind of selfish person / mother does that?!


7. 
   At this point, almost everything is resting on me – my children, the finances, getting a job, pursuing any legal avenues – all of it – my husband is just a spectator or passenger or whatever – a NON-PARTICIPANT – is that really different from how it has always been?  Not really, but it FEELS heavier and more stressful.  I am the one that is now antsy for things to start moving ahead – to get on with making myself (and my girls) a new and hopefully healthier and happier life.  AND I am the ONLY ONE that is going to do anything to make that happen – if I don’t do it, it isn’t going to get done and here we will be, 5 years from now, still in the same or even a worse situation – now THAT’S depressing!

 
I am sure there are other things that I am either consciously or unconsciously worrying about or stressing over, but aren’t these enough?!  I just look at this list, and I know some of it comes from over-thinking, and I can’t predict how some of this is going to develop as time moves along so why worry over them? 

So, take them out of the equation, my reality – my present life still has the pressures of finding a job and getting our finances in order; getting along with a person that I have such a bad history with and who is not really participating in much beyond what he HAS to participate in and deciding what steps to take next.  That is along with the normal every day demands of simply being a mother and a housewife (and a daughter and a sister and a friend and a “special someone” possibly).  I am doing pretty much all of that on my own, and I know I am not the first to do that or have to do that (and more!) but I don’t like it – I didn’t think about my adult life and being a mother and a housewife and think about it in terms of doing it on my own and alone and LONELY.  I am coping – I am, but I think what has happened this week is that it has just come to another turning point – a crossroads of sorts – and it took over my emotions and wore my butt out!  LOL!
 
 
You know, the other day, I had to meet with the school Social Worker regarding some testing for one of my children, and she is aware of the impending change in my family’s status/situation, so she asked how I was doing.  I didn’t go into all of this, so she didn’t realize that this week had been a particularly hard week for me, but at the end of the interview (and she had interviewed me 3 years ago too), she said, “I have to tell you something (and I thought ‘oh no, here we go’ [I’m used to my mom having something of a “constructive” criticism nature to “share” with me when that tone is used by her.]).” “I just want to say,” continued the Social Worker, “that I think you are a very strong woman.  I think for all that you have been through and are going through, and the roller coaster of emotions you must be experiencing, you are doing a pretty good job of handling it all – a really good job actually.”
 
I was touched, stunned, thrilled, proud, emotional and relieved.  I sometimes feel like such a loser and a failure and a wreck (and much of this has been affirmed by my family and my stbx husband through the years – not directly, but by way of “loving me and helping me” or in the case of my stbx husband, by way of wanting me to feel as bad about myself as he feels about himself).  To have this woman say this to me after having to answer all sorts of personal questions extensively regarding my child’s home life, etc… well, it was so good to hear – energizing and motivating.  I actually think God knew I needed to hear that, and that is why it was said to me by this woman!

I just wish those feelings had stuck around and these feelings of loneliness and pressure and frustration and weariness had gone away – someday, maybe they will go away for good!

In honor of that (even though, I'm not really what you would call a peace-nik or whatever, I just love this song) and because I would love for my children to live in a peace-filled world, here is one of my favorite videos (which made me really fall in love with this song!):

 

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts... We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way... The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. ” - Charles R. Swindoll

I start out with this quote that a friend from FB posted - so perfect, especially right now in my life!

I am really struggling with my husband and his attitude lately, but I needed this to remind me that I can only control ME - my reaction to his attitude - I can only control how I choose to react to him.  I just have to worry about MY attitude - my behavior and not worry about his.  I really have a hard time with that - the lack of control for one (I hate to admit) AND the fact that I have to react in a way that I can live with - that MY attitude is all that matters!


I am so grateful to AliceinW for posting a link to this video in the Sexless Marriage group - it has really spoken to me!  I have shared this with several others and some have gotten "it" and others have not... maybe because they have already conquered or never struggled with perfectionism.  I continue to struggle with it, so when I feel like someone may have a clue to help me accept myself "warts and all," I grab onto it for all I am worth - which is a lot - tee hee - right?  Just a play on the message of her message!
 


I actually took notes from this talk because I just thought it had so many good points.  Of course, the video is 20 minutes long, so it only hits the highlights of her thoughts and ideas, but I plan on buying her book(s) and reading them - maybe even suggesting them for a Women's Book Club in my neighborhood.

What caught me, well, was all of it, but the one that actually had my eyes starting to tear up was when she said "We are enough!"  Right before Christmas, I remember being so upset with my mother (who I am very close to, but can sometimes confuse encouragement with criticism), and I kept saying to her, "I will never be enough!"  When you are trying to be perfect, of course, you will NEVER be enough because you will NEVER be perfect, yet I still choose to fight this losing battle, why?!

The title of one of her books is, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are - I love that - letting go of who I think I am SUPPOSED to be and embracing who I am - right now, at this moment, I am enough - I am worthy of love and belonging - I am worthy of connection!

I loved her definition of shame:  an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore, unworthy of acceptance and belonging; fear of disconnection because we are not worthy of connection/belonging.

She talked about the people that feel connected in life - what made them feel this way - she called it WHOLEHEARTED LIVING.  The common characteristics she found in these people were:

• 
  courage - courage to be imperfect; to be who we are with our whole-heart, mistakes and all;


• 
  compassion - that in order to have compassion, we first need to be kind to ourselves because we can't treat others with compassion and kindness, if we can't be kind to ourselves;


• 
  connection - we have connection as a result of authenticity - letting go of who we SHOULD be in order to be who we are!


• 
  fully embrace vulnerability - believe that what makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful; vulnerability isn't comfortable but it is necessary - to step out in faith, to be willing to be the first - to say I love you, to say I'm afraid; to be real with our emotions whether someone thinks we should have them or not; she found vulnerability to be the birthplace of joy, creativity, love, belonging, gratitude, etc...

She goes on to talk about how we numb vulnerability - that we try to numb the negative emotions, but when we do that, we also numb the positive emotions - can't numb the bad without numbing the good.

That in order to have the good in our lives, we have to be willing to let in and feel the bad too - to feel sad, scared, worried, etc... so that when we experience the good, we can experience it fully - that in order to love with the WHOLE HEART, we have to be willing to be vulnerable - let ourselves be seen - deeply, vulnerably - to love even though there is no guarantee.

I have shared with some of my closer friends on here, that I know when I put myself out there, when I am me and real and open and honest, that I KNOW I am opening myself up to MORE hurt, MORE pain, MORE rejection, etc... but I am also opening myself up to MORE love, MORE joy, MORE gratitude, MORE of a full whole-hearted life.  I want that!

Now if I could just let myself off the hook a little bit - show myself a little more compassion and kindness.  I have discovered that I am afraid to be IMPERFECT (which I already am, so why fight it, huh?!).  I am afraid that the minute I let myself off the hook - allow myself to be imperfect, that I am going to be rejected, made fun of, shamed, embarrassed, humiliated, etc... but if I NEVER let go of trying to be perfect, then I lessen the risk of encountering those things, right?!  Most likely, WRONG!  I will still make mistakes, still encounter rejection, still feel embarrassed or shamed or humiliated from time-to-time - so with my own expectations of PERFECTION, on top of these inevitabilities of life, I can heap on my own rejection of myself, my own feelings of guilt and shame, etc... feel even worse about myself and my mistakes!!  Woohoo!  NOT!!  LOL!

Perfectionism isn't getting me anywhere - it isn't protecting me from anything really - just making things worse - making me feel LESS worthy, LESS acceptable - making me feel like I don't belong - that I can't feel connected.  It is a PERFECTLY terrible standard to try and live by - an impossible one!

So, am I there?  NO WAY!  That is why this video meant so much to me, because I need to keep on hearing things like this - that I am ENOUGH - that I am worthy of love and belonging and acceptance - I need to BELIEVE it!!  So, I keep on working on it - keep on rejecting the irrational thoughts - the perfectionist expectations - I am forever a work in progress, but aren't we all?!

Usually, I use this blog to talk about my heart or my thinking or to post a song or even something funny to lighten up things but today, I am posting a pet peeve!

I know many, many, many people in my circle are struggling with issues - some to do with people on here - some to do with people in their RL - for some - both!  My problem is all of the people I see contemplating LEAVING EP as a result of these issues.

I just don't see the necessity in that at all!  I don't know about you all, but I have put my heart and soul into a lot of what I have done on EP - into my friendships, my pm's, my comments, my stories and my blogs - even into a few confessions and questions & answers.  If I quit EP, I lose it all - and the thought of that is worse than any heartache I am enduring right now from staying on here or any other time I have had an issue on here.

I have had issues with a few people on here - one got so mad within one pm that he quit and deleted his whole account so that by the time I hit reply to his pm, he was gone (it doesn't look like people can delete their accounts that quickly anymore, but he did that day - two of us watched it happen!).  I have had a person remove me from his circle, talk about it in his blog (not the one on here!) and even write me some rude pm's but I dealt with it.  I am not letting one person chase me out of here - I am not letting 10 people chase me out of here!!

C'mon people - stick it out - bear with it - be patient - tomorrow is another day - a better day eventually - and there are other people here besides that one or two that have decided to hurt your feelings or break your heart or be snide to you - there are people here that care about you staying - that want you to stay and will miss you when you are gone - miss your stories and your comments that disappear when you delete your account - and these people can also be invaluable to helping you get through this tough time too!!

I am not writing this to hurt your feelings but to hopefully reason with some of you - help you to see how impulsive it is for you to delete your account based on a person making your life difficult or the presence of a person making your life more depressing, etc...  EP and your presence on here is about more than that, isn't it?  Very few of us came on here for that ONE person - so stay for the reasons that brought you here in the first place - take a break if necessary, but leave your account and your friends and your stories and your comments for us to continue to enjoy and for you to return to when you feel stronger or happier or more tolerant!

I just get so frustrated when I think about  people leaving EP - people that I may not talk to all the time, but I watch their stories, status messages, moods - and I would miss you guys if you were gone!!!

My mood: a bit accomplished

I found this old e-mail from a long time ago...  I agree with most of it - there is some that comes off as sort of "stalker" type behavior - but I am sure that it doesn't mean those things completely literally - it assumes some basic ability to tell how a girl really feels about you!  LOL!!


What a girl wants
 

When she walks away mad....follow her
When she stares at your mouth...kiss her
 
When she pushes you or hits you
Grab her and don't let go
 
When she starts cursing at you
Kiss her and tell her you love her
 
When she's quiet ask her what’s wrong
When she ignores you give her your attention
 
When she pulls away
Pull her back
 
When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful
 
When she starts crying
Just hold her and don't say a word
 
When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
 
When she's scared 
Protect her.
 
When she lays her head on your shoulder
Tilt it up and kiss her.
 
When she teases you 
Tease her back and make her laugh
 
When she doesn't answer for a long time
Reassure her that everything is ok
 
When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up.
 
When she grabs at your hands
Hold hers and play with her fingers.
 
When she bumps into you
Bump her back and make her laugh.
 
When she looks you in your eyes
Don't look away until she does.
 
When she misses you  
She's hurting inside
 
When you break her heart
The pain never really goes away
 

When she says it's over
She still wants you to be hers.

 
 
What a girl needs
 
Stay on the phone with her
Even if she's not saying anything
 
When she's mad
Hug her tight and don't let go
 
When she says she's ok
Don't believe it
Talk with her
 
Call her at 12:00 am on her birthday to tell her you love her
Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
Treat her like she's all that matters to you
 
Tease her and let her tease you back
Stay up all night with her when she's sick
Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show, even if you think it's stupid
 
Give her the world
let her wear your clothes
 
When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
let her know she's important
 
Kiss her in the pouring rain
 

I have just been thinking about this a lot lately.  People seem to be so good with words; with saying the right things, but when it comes to putting it into action, they seem to fall very short.  

So many sayings come to mind right now:

Actions speak louder than words
Put up or shut up
Walk the talk
Put your money where your mouth is...
Faith without works is dead


Are people becoming more and more irresponsible with their words or more lazy with follow-through?  Are people becoming more self-focused and are not looking at the people around them and how their words impact them?

I don't know what is going on, but I think we have become careless with our language.  And this isn't about the things we say that we know are hurtful or mean or ugly; I am talking about the nice things we say that are filled with promise - filled with emotion - filled with grand ideas.  They hurt too; they hurt when the words are not supported by actions that are consistent with the words.

My children and my husband; they apologize all the time; and that is a great habit and good manners and part of growing up - admitting a wrong and saying your sorry.  The problem I have is when saying "I'm sorry" becomes TOO easy - there's no true remorse and the actions they apologized for, they continue with little thought into trying to not repeat the offense.  I have told them to stop apologizing until they can say they are sorry with at least the hope and effort that they won't repeat the mistake.  I can't expect them, especially the children, to never do something again - I mean, I know I repeat the same mistake over and over again, but I also know that when I say I am sorry, I mean that I am going to try very hard to not do it again.  That is all I want them to do is to put some thought into what the words mean when they say them.

EP - it has been a God-send to me - the encouragement and support and wise advice - it has helped me immensely.  But, this place is all about words and I know I like to hear the nice words - the kindness, the encouragement, the compliments.

I just hate the thought that the words are too easy and people aren't thinking about what they really mean anymore.  We are just saying sorry without considering what we are really apologizing for; we say you are awesome or great or I love you or I like you and we aren't thinking that the person on the other end is hoping and believing that you mean it.

I guess I have been thinking about this a lot because of the previous Entry here in my blog about what men will do if they really want you - I think we could extend it to what people will do if they really want you - if I want something bad enough, I will go to great lengths to get it or do it and if someone is important to me, I will extend myself even when I don't feel like it and when I don't, I feel like bad - I feel like I have let them down and that they won't believe that I care for them as much as I say I do!

I don't know - I guess I am rambling - I just keep hoping that one day when someone says "I care about you" or "I love you" or "I want you" - that they have the actions to back it up - that they don't even have to say it because I know by the way they are acting.



  

*** I don't know where this came from, but I think it is full of good advice - I don't agree with all of it completely, but I think I should have been reading this years ago - I am certainly going to give a lot of this to my daughters when they begin to date! ***


IF A MAN WANTS YOU


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, later on he will regret it. 

A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.  If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better."  You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is YOU not him.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything and give him all your trust.  He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or has a better job.  Do not make him into a quasi-god.  He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.  If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.  There are some out there, who will love you, respect and defend you with his life.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships. ..there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. ..look for someone complimentary. ..not supplementary.

When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you the same in return.

Living together, and married is not the same. Remember the saying, why buy the cow when I the milk is free? If he loves you he will take it to the next level! 

If a man flirts, without a care, disrespecting you.  He never really loved you (he wants to play the field).

Some men need to learn that their pride, is more arrogance.  When a man learns from his mistake, he is a wiser man then yesterday!


Share this with other women..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.


They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them!

Don’t make someone a priority when they make you only an option.

The following is advice to myself - when/if I am ever in another committed long-term relationship:

Do you remember the time you were lonely, feeling unloved, rejected, dejected and uncared for?  You need to remember what it felt like - so that you try with everything you have in you to never make your mate feel the way you were feeling back then.  During that time, your early days on EP, you finally became fully aware of how you, a former denier, had made your ex-husband feel when you turned him down - when you said you weren't in the mood - had a headache - didn't feel right/loved/romantic, etc...  There were times that you legitimately had a right to deny - but that was further into the relationship - once the destructive nature of an untrusting and passive-aggressive personality came to full light.  BUT, early on in your marriage, there were times that if you had just pushed yourself to be there for him - to surrender yourself to his needs - to put your pride aside or whatever it was that wasn't allowing you to be vulnerable - if you had just done that and made love to him, you might have found that connection that you weren't feeling before you said YES - you may have felt more loved - more intimate.  He might have felt more trusting - who knows?

I want you to remember the almost 2 years (God, I hope it isn't longer than that!) you went without sex - how you finally came face-to-face with the deep need to be physically intimate with someone.  To remember how much you wanted and needed sex to the point of complete and utter frustration - to remember when you felt powerless and helpless to do anything about it.  Of course, you weren't having to endure refusal or denial - so you did not completely feel your ex-husband's pain, BUT you now know the feeling of wanting something so bad that it clouds your focus - and makes you feel MORE unloved and unwanted and dejected and hopeless.

You did have valid reasons to deny - but hopefully, you now find yourself in a healthy relationship with a wonderful and caring man that knows you have his best interests at heart - that sees you as the giving, kind and compassionate person that you are.  So, don't forget the lesson (one of hundreds) you have learned during this time of radical change in your life - that a physically intimate relationship is another CRUCIAL key to keeping your relationship happy and healthy - if it is no longer a NEED for you - it may be for him - and don't you love him enough to give him that - to offer that part of yourself?

Just a friendly reminder from your past self that is hopeful that one day she will find herself in a loving, giving and healthy relationship with a man that is her partner, her friend, her love AND her LOVER!!

My mood: pretty blessed

I sometimes get the feeling that after awhile, people start to doubt that I am going to ever leave my marriage - that right now I am unhappy, but that at some point, I'll work things out for myself and end up staying forever.

I think sometimes I worry that will be the case!  That I will just "procrastinate" and think and complain and analyze it all over and over and bore people to death with the same old crap - different day stories - and eventually get tired of it!  Hell, I'm tired of it!

I just hope that is not going to be the case - this isn't a marriage - this is barely an existence.  I think I get this way whenever my husband is on what I would call, an "UP" - which he is right now.  Although, interestingly enough, he actually said in counseling that he is MORE depressed.  And, when I pushed him further on this, he definitely resorted to his same thought patterns of never going to get better - everything is bad - always going to be this way....  that is so defeating and pessimistic!  And I see where some of that has rubbed off on me - and I do not want to be that kind of person - I don't my children to be that kind of person - yuck - it is a hard way to exist!  But, during the "UP", he is more considerate and nicer - now this is relatively speaking, of course, but I guess I am still grappling with feeling like a quitter because I want out of this marriage - because I want to be loved by someone that also LIKES me - because I want to be with someone that is more compatible with me - someone that I have fun with - that laughs at the same things I laugh at - or at least GETS my sense of humor - someone that wants to be active and adventurous and plan for the future and be optimistic and positive....  AND, I think I thought I was through the "doubt".  So his "UPS" are my "DOWNS" - ironic and pitiful!

So, I do seem to be stuck in some kind of rut here... is it out of fear?  out of doubt?  both?  I hate that our lives are going to be turned upside down - I do feel that it will eventually be fine, in fact, I am sure it will be better BUT the going through it - that will be something.  I have a friend that is in the thick of it right now, and the sadness, the grieving the he is going through - it makes me sad for him - in fact, I wish there was something I could say or do to help him feel better, but he has to go through this - and I will too - and I dread that.

So back to the original reason for this blog, it could be me and my feelings and I am just projecting (how's that for a psych term?  LOL!), but I sometimes get the impression that some of my friends on here and on EP are wondering if I am serious about my marriage being over or if I am ALL TALK AND NO ACTION....

I have this book that I have found invaluable many many times entitled, How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield and Peter McWilliams.  I originally bought it (or it might have been given to me) because of a long-term, significant relationship ending - and I was having a hard time getting over it!

So, I picked it up recently and the first part talks about "Understanding Loss" - there are the obvious losses (death, divorce, job) and the not-so-obvious (illness, moving, long-term goal), then it talks about LIMBO LOSSES.  That immediately caught my eye (I wasn't looking at the book for me, but for a friend grieving over the loss of a loved one!) - so I started to read and WOW!  It was talking to me!

Here is what it said:

Limbo Losses
(Is it on?  Is it off?  Is it a gain? Is it a loss?)

• awaiting medical tests or reports on their outcome
• a couple on the brink of divorce for the fourteenth time
• a friend, spouse or relative "missing in action"
• lover, after any quarrel
• a business transaction that may or may not fall through
• a lawsuit
• putting your house up for sale

Limbo losses often feel like this:

My life has fallen down
around me before
- lots of times,
for lots of reasons - 
usually other people.

And most of the time
I was fortunate enough 
to have a large lump of 
that life hit me on the
head and render me numb
to the pain & desolation
that followed.
And I survived.
And I live to love again.

But this,
this slow erosion from below
- or within - 
it's me falling down around my life
because you're still in that life
- but not really.
And you're out of that life
- but not quite.



I do alright
alone,
and better together,
but
I do very poorly
when
semi-
together.

In solitude
I do much,
in love
I do more,
but
in doubt
I only transfer
pain to paper
in gigantic Passion Plays
complete with miracles and martyrs
and crucifixions and resurrections.

Come to stay
or
stay away.

This series of passion poems
is becoming a heavy cross to bear.


The feeling of being "in limbo" is itself a loss.  Even if the situation turns out fine (the veteran returns, the lover call and again professes undying love, etc.), while in doubt that doubt is a loss and should be treated accordingly.

• Realize that "not knowing" may be the worst torture of all.
• When in limbo - and your better instincts tell you there's little hope - it's better to end the situation than to let it drag on and on.
• Call or send in your formal notice of termination and get on with the business of surviving, healing and growing.

To give you up.

God!
What bell of freedom
that rings within me.

No more waiting for 
letters
phone calls
post cards
that never came.

No more creative energy
wasted
in letters never mailed.

And, after awhile,

no more insomnia,
no more insanity.

Some more happiness, 
some more life.

All it took was giving you up.

And that took quite a bit.


What Loss Feels Like

Along with the obvious feelings of pain, depression and sadness, there are other reactions to loss, such as:

• feeling helpless, fearful, empty, despairing, pessimistic, irritable, angry, guilty, restless
• experiencing a loss of concentration, hope, motivation, energy
• changes in appetite, sleep patterns or sexual drive
• a tendency to be more fatigued, error-prone and slower in speech and movement

Any or all of these are to be expected during and after a loss.  It's part of the body's natural healing process.  Be with these changes; don't fight them.  It's OK.

If you haven't had an obvious loss, and yet you relate strongly to a good number of these reactions, you may want to examine the recent past to see if a not-so-obvious loss - or a series of them - has taken place (a personal note:  or you are suffering from a LIMBO loss - which, in my opinion, can make some of those above symptoms drag on for long periods of time, even months and years!).

If so, you might want to follow a few of the suggestions given in this book.  Your mind and body are already involved in the healing process (unless you are in LIMBO then the healing can't begin, in my opinion, until you are no longer in limbo!).


I have found this book to be insightful and comforting AND encouraging - maybe you will too!!!

Enough talking about him.... time to deal with me!

I know I am not blameless for the state of my marriage - I know I have played my part in where we are.  And I hope I am seeing myself clearly, so that I can learn from it and not make the same mistakes in the future - then I can make new ones - LOL!!

So, that is what I am working on with my counselor - me.  Here are just a few things that I would like to see change in me - 

  NUMBER 1:  My MOUTH - I am a flaming extrovert - I know it - and most times, I am thankful for it, but sometimes, I wish I could just keep my mouth shut!  My youngest has already caught on to the blessing of "shutting up," and she has shared her insight with my mother.  "Mimi, you know why Sissy (sister) gets in more trouble?  Sometimes, she just needs to stop talking like I do - just be quiet and she won't get into trouble."  LOL!  And she is so right, sometimes silence is the best answer.  

There is this quote that I need to nail to my forehead:  "The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust."  (Josh Billings)  

So true!!  And those are the times that I can't seem to just zip it!  And usually, there is nothing gained by me speaking out - and a huge risk of losing somthing!

  Number 2:  My Defensiveness - I am actually more embarrassed by this one because I just think about people that come across as defensive, and I think that they sound insecure and sometimes even immature.  

YEARS ago, I had a peer confront me about being defensive - of course, I got defensive about THAT - LOL!  BUT, in the back of my mind, I was considering it - weighing the possibility that she had a point. And so, I felt like that summer, I became a lot less defensive (mostly by just shutting my mouth when I felt like defending myself).  

In fact, until recently, I really thought that I had conquered that issue.  HA!  No I haven't!  I probably don't jump on things as much or as intently as I did way back BUT, I still am quite defensive ESPECIALLY with my husband.  

But, it isn't really about my husband - it's about me!  And what I think this all stems back to is my feelings of WORTH.  I do not believe whole-heartedly that I am doing a good enough job in these roles in my life -  Wife, Mother, Housewife (I think I am a good Sister, Daughter and friend).  I have my moments - here and there, but for the most part, I have enough self-doubt about my abilities in these areas, that all someone has to say is something that SOUNDS like a criticism in those areas and I immediately get defensive.  Instead of ignoring the comment, shrugging it off or considering it, I rebut it - I argue about it - I HAVE to say something in my DEFENSE!  AND, even though I am defending myself, really, on the inside, I am giving most comments validity - I am not just CONSIDERING them - I am believing them - then let the flogging begin!

WORTH - that has turned out to be a significant word for me - I don't feel worthy unless I am perfect - I don't feel worthy unless I am constantly getting affirmed that I am - I don't feel worthy unless I am doing something for someone - being the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, the perfect housewife BUT since there is not a chance of me ever being perfect - well, then I guess I am never going to feel worthy!  Talk about setting myself up for the fall!

 
There are a few other issues that I want to work on with my counselor.  I just keep in mind something my dad said to me, "When you leave, you take YOU with you."  He wants me to keep that in mind when my husband and I finally separate - that my problems are not going to go away just because I leave my marriage - that I need to realize that who I am I carry with me into my life - into the next relationship - into my roles as a mother, daughter, wife, housewife, sister and friend.  So, with that in mind, I am trying to focus on what I can do to become a better person.  The problem with that - I find myself saying unconsciously, "I need to focus on what I can do to become a PERFECT person."   UGH!!!!

But that discussion will have to be left for my next blog post!!  

A Creed to Live By
 
Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.
            It is because we are different that each of us is special.      
 
Do not set your goals by what other people deem important.
            Only you know what is best for you.
 
Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart.
            Cling to them as you would your life,
            For without them, life is meaningless.      
 
Do not let your life slip through your fingers
            By living in the past nor for the future.
            By living your life one day at a time,
            You live all the days of your life.
 
Do not give up when you still have something to give.
            Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
 
It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other. 
 
Do not be afraid to encounter risks.
            It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
 
Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
            The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
            The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly;
            In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
 
Do not dismiss your dreams.
            To be without dreams is to be without hope;
            To be without hope is to be without purpose.      
 
Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only
            where you have been, but also where you are going.
 
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored.  "Be Yourself" 

So, I signed off of here - ready to go to bed - my mind racing about my issues, my marriage - oh, woe is me.... Well, God set me straight with the following (I was looking at old documents trying to decide what to keep and what was no longer useful - well, this one is a KEEPER!):

ATTITUDE
 
The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.  Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
 
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.
 
"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
 
"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room.... Just wait."
 
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.
 
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it ... "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories “
 
 
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
 
No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
 
Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on!
 
When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you.
 
When something happens to you, good or bad consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.
 
You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, and the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.
 
It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.
 
We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.
 
Never abandon an old friend. You will never find one who can take her place. Friendship is like wine; it gets better as it grows older.
 
May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.


Today, I will work on trusting God that I am exactly where I am meant to be - that there is a reason I am where I am and that I will learn from it - become a better person for it - and, if I am patient, God has better things in store for me and I will enjoy and appreciate them more because of what I have been through to get there!

So, tonight, after dinner, children run up stairs, the husband is sitting at the table looking approachable for a change, so I broach the subject of our trip to the amusement park on Saturday.  I told him that I wondered if he thought still that he hadn't acted different on Saturday...  He said, "Yeah, I felt kind of numb on Saturday."  Okay, I had asked him CALMLY and KINDLY and PRIVATELY several times on Saturday if he thought he was acting different - if everything was okay - was he having a good time, etc...  Every time, sometimes very defensively, "I'm not acting any different.  Nothing's wrong!"

So, then I ask, "Why? Why were you feeling numb?"  He replied, "Well, this is over, right?  I don't know how I am supposed to act?"  I said, "So, you are pulling away and disconnecting since this is over?"  "Isn't that what I need to do?"  My response, "Not from your children, I don't think."  "Well, aren't I supposed to distance myself from them to since I won't be living with them?"  " (name), this is the time when you need to be pulling them closer - making them feel closer and more secure with you!"

I then went on to inquire if that is why he has acted different since we (the children and I) returned from our vacation at the beginning of August.  He said that yes it was.  




Okay, so I can't do this - write about all this crap that seems to have taken over my life!  Although I am the one that says I want a divorce, and he is the one that says he doesn't, I am the one pushing for something and he is the one backing away - pushing us away - being extremely passive aggressive, withdrawn and generally self-involved!  

I think something is wrong with me - why do I keep fretting over this crap?  Nothing is going to change - he isn't going to admit that he wants out of the marriage as much if not more than I do - he isn't going to get it - maybe ever!  BUT, I keep thinking about the children - they didn't ask for this - all they want is two parents that love them and want to be with them and have fun with them and make them feel safe and secure and wanted and loved - and maybe that is WHY I am fretting... I don't think they are getting that from their father - and what they are getting - they are getting less and less of - he is pushing them away too!  

How are we ever going to co-parent apart when we can't co-parent together?!  The issues that we have, they will not magically go away just because we are no longer married to each other!  

Things I heard from him tonight during the discussion:

• I gave up 6 months ago
• I don't know if I have given up yet
• I am still trying to put into practice the ideas of "God Save Our Marriage" .com
• You haven't appreciated anything I have done with God Save Our Marriage, so I am not doing it anymore.
• He has it harder than most people (with me being his wife) - harder than the couple that wrote the book that the website is based on...
• He is wondering what the website says about when the husband can say, "Enough is Enough."
• I want to be a kinder, nicer person, but I don't want people to walk all over me.  (I then ask, so if you are kinder and nicer, people are going to naturally walk all over you?  Yes, is his response.)
• If I take care of other people and care about other people, who will take care of me?  Who will meet my needs?
• You haven't done things that show me love - meet my needs.
• I have tried for 3 years to implement these principles (godsaveourmarriage - http://joelandkathy.com/) and you have not responded or done anything at all.

The list goes on and on now that I think about it.  It started out to be about the children and loving them and showing them love and building a relationship with them - but it deteriorated to more of the same - blaming me for the majority of what is wrong with the marriage and with him.  

We didn't get in an argument.  I didn't want it to go there - no point in that.  I made several points back, but I am just thinking WHY do I bother doing that?  I sound like a broken record - he isn't going to hear me - he is hearing and seeing and feeling what he has in his mind as HIS reality - people are going to hurt me and take advantage of me so I need to protect myself.  No one is going to take care of me, so I have to take care of myself.  I don't trust what you say or what you do as genuine, authentic - without ulterior motive - if I let my guard down, you will walk all over me.

I did tell him that if he had felt that way before we got married, which it sounded like he did, then why did he marry me?

Anyway, I am sure that I have left holes in the explanation and whatever was said or am assuming facts that I have not shared or whatever... But, I think God is forcing me to come to peace on my own - without my husband agreeing with me - taking responsibility for part of the breakdown of the marriage - with him insisting that I am the only one that wants the divorce.  Maybe this is God's way of helping me believe in myself - regardless, in spite of, etc....  I have a hard time with that - I want, no NEED, validation to be sure that I am thinking the right thing - doing the right thing - making the right decision.  Maybe God is forcing me to NOT rely on that - not count on it - in order for me to do what is right for ME (and my children!).

That is sooooooo very hard for me - to believe that I can make the right decision without others' approval, etc...  I have to be able to believe in myself so that when the people that don't agree with what I have decided voice their opinions, I won't be hurt or angry or DEFENSIVE (my issue!) because I will KNOW that I am doing the right thing.

How do you balance looking to others for sound experience and advice and believing in your ability to make the right decision?  I do believe it is a balancing act - not too cocky - not too in need of validation!  I just think I always fear that I am going to tip the "scales" too far the wrong way - ask for help when I don't really need it and need validation when I should be sure OR not ask for help when I really do not have the knowledge and experience to make an informed, appropriate decision.

Does ANY of this make sense to anyone?!  LOL!    

I am truly married to one of the most selfish, self-absorbed, deluded people I have ever encountered in my life.

The job issue that I referred to in an entry, "How I Feel Today" (see link below),

http://dorothyofoz.blogs.experienceproject.com/368671.html

talks about the job situation that my husband finds himself in.  My major issue with his choice to take the job was the fact that

1. We discussed AND agreed (both of us!) that he would only accept the new job IF they could offer him a bit more money (he had already taken a 5% pay cut that was stretching us thin and now he would take another 5% cut), if they could NOT offer him more, he would stay with his consulting firm.  Then, they came to him and said, "sorry, we can't offer anymore."  Instead of saying I need to talk to my wife and get back to you and then call to simply say, "I know you may be disappointed and maybe even disagree with me, but I believe this is the best choice, so I am taking the job anyway."  He just accepted the offer THEN called me - I was upset mostly by the NON-communication.  
2. He isn't at all aware of our finances - he doesn't pay the bills or file taxes or submit insurance forms or anything - he is completely oblivious to what we have coming in and what is going out each month, but he was fast to say, "we'll be fine."  How does he know that?!  He doesn't - and he doesn't want to know because then he may see the truth that this job offer is not something we can AFFORD for him to accept.

So anyway, he took it and refused to discuss it with me.  He never apologized about how he handled the situation.  The only thing he would say is that he took it and it was the best decision.  So.... we (me and my children and my parents) went on our planned vacation for 11 days.  My husband and I barely talked to each other - and he only called to talk to the children maybe 3 times.  It was good to get away and be a bit stress free for a few days...  

BUT then we returned....  and he was distant (to put it mildly)... I knew something was causing him to give me a bit of the cold shoulder...

So, we went to counseling (marriage) last night, (I had seen my counselor that day because I was ready to scream, cry, rip my hair out by the roots in frustration, disappointment, hurt and anger over the events of the last couple of weeks...  He helped me to calm down and advised me to be a bit more passive during OUR session - let my husband talk).

My husband shared what he had done with OUR counselor, and she was a bit shocked and said what I had said to him - that how he handled it was not good - it didn't promote openness or communication, etc...  He said, he knew how he did it was wrong (that was the FIRST time he had said that - and I said so - LOL!  He, of course, denied that).  AND THEN....

He shared all sorts of crazy thoughts he has been having....

1. My mom's attitude about men and sex while I was growing up was the reason we didn't have sex - it ruined our marriage  (not the fact that I didn't want to have sex with him because he treated me with disdain or, at the very least, ambivalence - I don't have to have romance and mush to have sex or make love every time, but I would at least like for my partner to LIKE me!  And what ruined our marriage was not the lack of a sex life because we had sex more frequently than anybody in the Sexless Marriage group AND I really enjoyed sex and was very into it when we did have it - but he countered that I just had sex with him out of guilt!  SO much more has ruined our marriage.)
2. He doesn't feel motivated to work on our marriage - I have too many walls built up - he can't get through so he has quit trying (well, I KNEW that - no way was he "trying to win back my heart" (see link:  http://dorothyofoz.blogs.experienceproject.com/141414.html).  He said this - not going to work on marriage and within a few breaths said, "I don't want our marriage to end."  That seems a bit contradictory to me (and to my counselor).
3. My mom is going to manipulate me and the children so that he is no longer in our lives - he is sure of it.  (and he is basing this on a totally unrelated situation involving a younger UNMARRIED cousin that has gotten pregnant and had 2 children by different fathers and how one of the fathers is not involved in the son's life (this father has a problem with drugs and said he did not want to be involved), and the other father is suing for primary custody of the 2nd baby - but to my husband, that is only because (THEY - i.e. the women in the family) have "chased" these men away.)   What in the hell is he talking about?!  I have told him countless times that I want his daughters to have a relationship with him NO MATTER WHAT - whether we stay together or get a divorce - that I wanted him to be close and to spend holidays and birthdays with the whole family so he doesn't miss those important times.  AND my mom has been encouraging me to stay in the marriage - to give him time, to be patient, to not expect perfection (and boy honey, I do NOT expect perfection - and he ain't anywhere close to that!).  SHE is a big part of the reason that I am still here - she and the kids (me making sure I am not giving up too easily - expecting too much - wanting too much - and messing up their lives).  YET, he has been extraordinarily rude to her lately.  (Do you want an example?  Well, I am going to give you one anyway!  LOL!  A couple of weeks ago, my mom was trying to help me out with getting my house back in order - really, she came because I wanted my kids to clean up their playroom and they called her and asked her to help - she agreed to help them AND me!  So, when husband gets home, she cheerfully says, "Boy, we got a lot accomplished today!"  And my wonderful husband said, "If I wanted to know what you did today, I would have asked you, and if I want to tell you about my day, I will tell you."  My mom's response was, "well, that is kind of sad, because with those parameters, it kind of makes it impossible for anyone to talk to you."  And she didn't say anything else and he didn't either.  (He also told her (when I was sharing a few of our strawberries) that if she wanted strawberries, she could buy some of her own. - NICE!))
4. He is reading this book, "After the Affair" (by Janis Abrahms Spring), because I had read it and learned so much more about how I hurt him with my affair and I learned a lot about myself so I shared it with him before we left for our vacation.  Well, what he has gotten from the book is MORE ANGER towards me - he read some things about the "Unfaithful Partner" feeling justified in having the affair and ending the marriage by having the affair, and he said that was what I was doing.  When the counselor asked why he thought that, he said that the book talked about the Unfaithful Partner feeling this way.  It wasn't because of how I have reacted/acted/responded or what he knows about me and my guilt and my heart not to hurt anyone that I care about, etc...  it was simply based on the book as one of the SUGGESTED feelings an Unfaithful Partner MIGHT have - and the counselor even looked at me and said, "I haven't heard you say anything about being justified, have I?"  Of course not, I have written on here about what a bad decision it was in reaction to a bad situation - that I only had made things worse for US, for HIM and for ME.  That I was remorseful and would NEVER do that again - I would get out of the marriage if I ever felt like I needed to look outside the marriage for love, acceptance and kindness again - I would not stay and betray and hurt him like that again!

When I told him that it sounded like he was doing the passive-aggressive thing again (Blaming everyone else for the problems, etc...), he denied it (OUR counselor agreed with ME), and he started crying (AGAIN!) and saying, "You see, I am trying to open up and be honest and this is what I get."

SO, that is a VERY LONG (sorry!) overview of, what to me was, a crazy insight into my husband's thought patterns, etc...  Needless to say, I was upset by it - the realizations, the insight.  I tried not to say anything, and I was glad we were not riding home together.  So, we get home and his Official Offer Letter comes in the mail - he did not tell me that he was told that the job offer was not OFFICIAL until he received this offer letter and returned it to the Organization by THIS Friday - but he little-by-little revealed this information as needed (THAT evening - not 2 weeks ago when he took the job offer!).

So, he is sitting down at the table (I am watching TV with the kids) filling out all of this information when he says something about the medical/dental plan to me.  And I remarked that the information he is sharing is different than what they told him when they made the verbal offer, and that the way this read, we were going to have to spend MORE money for the benefit than he first thought.  He said, "oh, yeah" and continued to fill out the paperwork.  He then asked for something else, and I told him what he wanted to know, and then I said, "so it doesn't bother you that you were kind of misinformed about the medical?"  And he really didn't have a response.  Some other things came to light as he continued to be an idiot and share the form information with me as if trying to convince me that his choice was the right one - why I say idiot, because it was obvious I was getting more and more agitated as he ignored my points (or shrugged them off) and kept on filling out the paperwork.  I brought up our financial situation again, and he shrugged that off too!

So, the kids go up to play on the 3rd floor playroom, and I started to tell him about my agitation - and he argued with me that this was the best decision - I kept saying, "You are getting paid LESS, you now have to pay for parking (his consulting firm PAYS for the parking), AND they weren't completely informed on the medical plan, BUT you are still bound and determined to take this job."  I quietly then asked him, "Are you doing this because you think it is truly the best or because you are going to do what you want no matter what other people advise or think or what even seems to be not such a great job offer anymore?"  "I think it is the best choice!"

Well, I LOST IT!  I was just so over all of it!  He is making a STUPID choice - he isn't thinking it through - listening to advice from people or anything.  He has made a lot of dumb decisions while his depression and emotional issues have gotten worse, AND he, many times, will do the exact opposite of what someone has "told" him to do because "Nobody is going to tell me what to do!"  He isn't even being logical!  Well, I was doing what I have been trying really really hard NOT to do for a long time now - I was yelling like a crazy woman - I had just had enough - between the way he was treating me when I returned, the fact that now he is doing NOTHING around the house at all (NOTHING!  Like I am now a housewife from the 50's - he comes in and sits his butt down and I do it all WITHOUT even having someone pleasant around to at least keep me company!), the Marriage Counseling session's ludicrous claims AND this job crap - I just lost it!

Well, my children heard it and got upset and called my parents... so they hung up with my children (all of this unbeknown to us) and then called back, and I answered the phone and completely broke down - sobbing to my mom and then my mom put my Dad on the phone - and they just felt helpless - and my dad (who does not usually get involved and tries to stay objective and reasonable and logical among us emotional women) offered to come and get my children and me and take us to my parent's house.  My husband was in the background saying, "FINE!  I'll do what you want - I won't take the job!"  

Well, that isn't really what I wanted.  I mean I wanted him to at least be willing to be more objective and think it through - to either look at our monthly budget himself or ask me to, to ACTUALLY SEE if we could afford for him to take ANOTHER pay cut.  I didn't want to have to throw a "temper tantrum" (because that is what it was - I am ashamed to say!) to get him to at least listen to me and acknowledge that he needed to think it through some more and really see if we could do it!  Does it really have to be THIS hard - for us to work as a team - be partners?????????????????

So, we calmed down (I calmed down - he wasn't yelling - he was also now CRYING AGAIN with our children - I felt like the Crazy Bitch Wife even more!).  The children seemed to be reassured once we hugged them and I apologized for putting them through that - that I had thrown a temper tantrum and a 44 year old shouldn't be doing that!  AND..... my husband comes to me and starts in again on the job and what he is going to lose by not taking it.  So, I calmly asked him if he could just ask for one more day for his wife to check the finances?  He reluctantly and with much distrust, agreed.

The next day (yesterday), he spent calling me over and over again trying to come up with different ways we could afford for him to take the job...  It was driving me crazy - and he was back to being completely focused on getting what he wanted - no matter what!  THEN, I gave him the break-down on our current situation financially with the current job BEFORE we took another 5% cut... we are barely making it!  It was blaringly obvious and irrefutable - and he sounded completely defeated.

BUT, guess what?  He came home that evening all smiles...  and says to me, "Guess what?  I figured out a way for me to be able to take the job!"  "Oh, what did you come up with?" I ask  with much trepidation.  "We sell the Mustang Convertible.  We don't need that car - we can get something cheaper - a fixer-upper..."  I just walked away - 1)  We will lose money on the Mustang because it needs a repair through the insurance before we can sell it and we owe probably just a little bit more or less than we can sell it for; and 2)  We will HAVE to get a car loan for anything we buy because we don't have any cash to put toward a car - clunker or not!  So, the most I can imagine we would save in loan payments would be about $75!  

THEN he says, "Well, we can also lower the payments on our 2nd mortgage."  Well, to me, that is just not very responsible or logical - that is a payment on the equity of our home - the housing market sucks right now - and we are paying interest on that loan.  

ANYWAY - I know many of you may not have the time or want to read this far - I know it was long - I don't know how to shorten all this craziness...  I just can't get over how he is acting right now - he said, not even a year ago - I want to win your heart back - even said this probably less than 6 months ago - YET, he seems to be making the distance between us more and more and more - and I think he is MORE passive aggressive than I have ever seen him and more irrational than I have ever remembered him being...

About a month ago, I began fervently praying that God would show me what He wanted me to do about my marriage - to basically, if He would, "knock me over the head like a ton of bricks" with whether I should try to stay or that divorce was the best option.  Am I getting my answer?  It feels like it to me!

So this is how I feel today!

And what would you think would make me feel that way?!  Oh, I KNOW you know it - c'mon, this is a "give-me!"

LOL!!!

Anyway, how many different ways do I have to be shown that my husband could care less how I feel about something or how something he does affects me?!

He has been considering a new job - actually going permanent where he is already a consultant.  All well and good, but the offer they made him is going to require a pay cut for us, after we have already had one this year because of the economy!

The Consulting firm that he is working for has been very supportive all along the way - and when he had a pay-cut from the place where he was consulting, the firm absorbed 5% of the 10% cut by reducing the fee the company paid for having my husband work there!  Nice, right?!  

Additionally, when he went to them to tell them he was considering a permanent position, they were happy for him but wanted to know if there was anything they could do to keep him (they are starting to take on their own projects instead of just staffing other companies - if that makes sense).  He said that his biggest worry was a law that is going to be enforced requiring consultants to take a 30-day unpaid leave for every 12 months they work as a consultant for the same company.  So, this company privately told my husband that they would not be doing this for everyone, but they thought so much of his skill set and workmanship, that they would guarantee in a contract, that if he had to take a 30-day unpaid leave, the Consulting Firm would continue to pay him at his current rate!  WOW!  I thought that was just great!

So, my husband and I talked (what good that did!) and thought (he SAID it!) that it was a great opportunity to stay with the Consulting Firm, but that he would go back and tell the permanent people that they would have to increase their offer, or he wouldn't be able to accept the position.  Good, right?

Well, today he found out that they couldn't offer him any more - that they were as high as they could go - and what do you think he did?  He accepted the permanent position - pay-cut and all!  AND without even calling me to say, "this is what I want to do - feel that is right, what do you think or I just wanted to tell you or kiss my a$$ or anything"!!!!!  AND HE does NOT get why I am upset!  We are barely making it as is - and now we have another pay-cut and he says, "oh, we'll make it."  He doesn't even pay attention to the bills - he buys anything he wants to without even telling me or whatever - and yes, it is his money, but he needs to be realistic and reasonable with HIS money or HIS family will have to go without, etc...

To add insult to injury, all of our doctors are under the new insurance plan BUT MY therapist!

I want out - I can't afford to leave or have him leave and now, we will have even less money coming in - good grief!  

Right now, I just HATE him - I really do - and I don't understand what he is thinking or doing or anything!  If any of you have been keeping up with my blog, you will see the entry (not that long ago) about Winning My Wife's Heart back - what my husband is trying to do - and I am wondering where his behavior of late fits into this plan?!

I just keep wondering how I could have been SO WRONG and SO OFF-BASE in thinking my husband was the kind of man that I would want to be married to!  God, I am just heartsick right now - and writing about it is not really helping except for the possible release I am getting from the tears that have come as I type this!

Sorry to be so depressing!  I just had to get it out!